Walking Routine

This may feel as if it is coming on the heels of all the fat talk from the other day, but it isn’t really. A couple months ago my mom told me about this walking program I could do right from Youtube, I guess that they are doing a session in her weight watchers class each week. She was pretty excited about it and thought I might be interested in it too. I took one look at the video she shared and I knew this was going to be the way that I got my mobility back.

So I did this video tonight for the first time and I plan on starting my morning off with it until I can walk a little better.

Just a little something to get the blood moving in my legs.

Traveling in the New World

I’m just home from a couple days of travel for work. It was a bit tough to get out of town, but once I was sitting in the plane, belted in, ready to take off, things were all in their place.

Getting Erin situated was the hardest. Single parenting isn’t necessarily hard every day, but when it comes to times like this, I long for having someone to have my back. I also get angry too. Angry that the people in my life are not the people I want them to be. My parents, Rob, Betty. I cope most days by focusing on their good qualities vs. bad, but when my balls are to the wall, their inadequacies are shining.

In the end, I let my guard down, and I accepted a very generous offering by one of Erin’s friends parents, and I let her stay with her for the three days I was away. As part of my ‘recovery’ I need to learn to trust and let the good people in. So this was HUGE for me. So funny, I have taken this friend on a one-day, 10 hour multi-state road trip / hiking  tour of Cuyahoga Valley National Park. She’s been up to my parents house. I’ve been her girl scout leader. We are preparing to take an international trip with Girl Scouts in the next year or so. Clearly her mother trusts me with her daughter, why it isn’t so easy on the flip side, I’ll never know, but I’m going to learn.

It should come as no surprise, and we’ve talked about it a lot over the years, I’m a big girl. Like people stare at me in public big. Let me give you an example, this mother above, invited me out to breakfast last week before the girls basketball tournament and while we were sitting, talking, eating breakfast a random old man stopped by to tell me how fucking fat I was, just in case I hadn’t noticed it myself. I’m the kind of fat where I don’t dare put anything unhealthy in my grocery cart or else while in line, people will snicker and comment under their breath about how that’s why I’m so fat.

Now that we are living in a post-Trump world I expect this to get worse. In fact, when it’s all said and done, if Trump were to have his wish, I’m sure there will be a special rehabilitation camp for people like me where we get government mandated time away from work, paid, and we will perform Biggest Loser type workouts until the weight is gone. Reconstruction surgery is even going to be covered and boob implants will be free in order to increase the beautification of the general American woman. I’m sorry to say, those who fail the program will face euthanasia. I even heard he’s going to personally host a reality show featuring these morbidly obese fat fucks like myself.

Anyway, I digress, back to my trip. Traveling as a fat person is like this. From the moment you come into contact with the first person traveling, you are met with eyes singing a chorus of, “God, I hope she isn’t sitting next to me.”  This chant gets louder and louder the closer you get to your gate and by the time you are waiting to board the plane people gasp and roll their eyes and make comments under their breath.

When I heard I had to travel for work I put a plan together on how I was going to handle this situation and this is how it went:

Me:  “Hi! How are you today?” (with a beaming, I’m so fucking friendly smile, there is no way you can hate someone with so much love beaming from a fucking smile, can you???)

“I’m unexpectedly traveling for work and as you can see, I’m a big girl and I’m pretty nervous about crowing the space next to another passenger and I really don’t want to end up on the news or on a viral internet story. Please know that you can move me around as you see fit in order to keep everyone comfortable.”

Airline Worker: (with a beaming, I’m so fucking happy to help you smile) “Let’s see what I can do for you so that you are more comfortable.”

Me:  “This is not about me being comfortable, I just don’t want to cause problems for other passengers.”

Airline Worker:  (type, type, type, type…printing a new boarding pass) “Here you go Catherine, you are going to be very comfortable in this seat. (again with ME being comfortable, didn’t she hear me?!?!? This isn’t about me, or is it? Am I worthy of being comfortable? God, I never thought about that. What a shame.)

Me: “Thank you so very much” (with my eyes filling with tears)

And I had that exact conversation on the way home and received the same result. I was happily moved to a place that had an empty seat next to me and the other passenger. If I ever have to fly again, I’m tell you, it will be American Airlines all the way. I wouldn’t even risk it. I had never flown with them before and my experience was superior to anything I had experienced before.

I’m catching up on laundry, putting the house back together and thinking about all that I learned over the past couple days away training. Erin is heading out to a play with a friend in about an hour and I’ll have the house to myself. I’m looking forward to it. I wasn’t away long enough for the teenage chip on her shoulder to fall off. Plus I guess I pissed her off when she saw this post on Facebook:

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Apparently, this translated to a teenager as:

“I’m so fucking happy I’m not in Michigan with my despicable teenage daughter. Fuck you. And while we are at it, fuck Michigan too!”

So that we can clear the air, my not in Michigan comment was about me appreciating the fact that I’m in a different part of the world than I would have normally been and there was a FUCKING MOUNTAIN IN FRONT OF ME and I was so stressed I didn’t even realize it until I looked up and that was a fucking shame. Plus, there are no mountains in Michigan. Mountains are pretty. Especially to people that live in Michigan where there are no mountains. I apologize to the entire state by dissing you with my thoughtless comment.

OMG!

Back to laundry my friends, hope all is well in the world you live in.

Preparing

I’m just putting this out there – I’m fragile and on the verge of a breakdown. I’m available for zero shit this weekend. No opinions on how I can better not fuck up my life. No analysis of how fucked up I’ve been this last year. I will leave in an instant in order to preserve what is left of my emotional well being. I’m not saying I’m going with a chip on my shoulder, I’m just sitting here, thinking of the pros and cons on what would happen with my life if I drove myself to be committed right now. You might want to minimize this, because that is what you have always done with my mental health, but I’m very sick right now and I’m hanging by a thread. Me telling you this, isn’t to fight. Isn’t to make you feel bad. It’s just letting you know where I’m at and telling you that I need people to be respectful of me.
In order to prepare for a few days with the family, I just sent the above message to my mom. I’m struggling. Damn struggling. I just have too much pressure on me and I can’t handle all the pressure. It’s been too hard, and for too long. Mix in the political bullshit I can’t control and the pipeline in South Dakota that I know I should be out protesting at, I can’t hold it all together.
I wonder what it is about people that get so depressed. I mean I realize it is chemical, science tells us that. But do you think we feel more than other people? Because I feel so much. Then the feelings paralyze me because I can’t fix everything.
That’s about it right now. I know this will pass. Keep plugging forward.

School, Sports and Social Correctness

I’m sitting her tonight listening to The Cure on YouTube. Disintegration – the full album.

Not sure why I’m being nostalgic. On Friday at work I was blasting Drake and Future as I worked.

Life is weird right now. I’m in this holding pattern, just waiting for things to click into place. I’m starting to think about what seeds I would like to plant next.

Erin is driving me absolutely nuts. 14 has been a bitch so far. She’s so damn dramatic and thick headed. I’m watching her self destruct a little bit and it’s uncomfortable. I want to protect her, guide her, make her listen to my advise. She wont and she’s mean too. Did you guys get the memo, I am the most dumb of the dumb! At least I’m winning at something!  HA!

She just finished with a fabulous cheer season and made me so proud. She ended up on the varsity team as a freshman because she was able to hold her own when that had to merge the JV and Varsity teams. (long story) I think maybe she got a little full of herself and now that it is basketball season, she went to school and told everyone she was trying out for Varsity basketball. It hasn’t been received well. We live in a small, small, small town and the coach she has dissed already isn’t her biggest fan, and we walk on eggshells with him just waiting for her to move on to a new coach. Crazy circumstances have kept him in the picture was too many years and this year, he fell into it again.

Erin isn’t wrong for wanting what she wants. She doesn’t play well with this coach. I hate even saying anything negative about him because he is devoted. He puts a lot of time in and as a volunteer, I know how thankless it is. The problem is he just doesn’t know how to coach Erin and he doesn’t play a true defense, which is where Erin dominates the court. All last season she sat on the bench and she is very angry and sour about it.

Anyway, she gets home from school on Friday and then at some point the social media starts coming in. There was basketball practice and no one told her. Ack!

I reached out to the coach and my one parent “friend” (not really friend, just someone I talk to) and neither of them have responded to me. So it looks like Erin kicked up some ugly waves and I’m not exactly sure how it’s all going to go down and I don’t even know if I should do anything but let it play out. I kind of feel like she made her decision and now she has to live with it. That is unless something happens that is unacceptable.

A lot of this is happening because of cheer. They would really love to have Erin on the competitive cheer team that starts up next week too. Erin can’t participate in competitive cheer for her school for two reasons (1) She already participates on a non-school competitive cheer team and per the rules that govern high school sports, you can’t play both. (2) Competitive cheer runs at the same time as basketball and it would be impossible to play both.

I really think that the coaches were dangling the possibility of getting her varsity letter if she tried out. Like it was unspoken that she would make the varsity team if she tried out. I don’t know if that is true, but there have been a few conversations that leave that taste in my mouth. I think that Erin has big britches and then looks at another season of sitting on the bench with a coach that doesn’t play her and wonders why doesn’t she just go with the team that actually wants her. And she’s even willing to drop her rec cheer team to join the school team.

Personally, I’m against it because we made commitments for the upcoming competitions and her team is half-way to national next year and I’ve invested a lot of money into the program to just walk away from it. And let me tell you, I’m not in love with the rec program. It is too expensive for us, but I value commitment, her place in the routines is set and we are four weeks from the regional competition.

Well, I guess I really needed to vent about this. Any comments my fine readers have would be most welcome. This mommy needs a teenager parenting class.

Things I Saved on Facebook This Week

I have an addiction of ‘saving’ things when I come across them in my Facebook timeline thinking that I will come back and read them later.  I do occasionally go back, but not nearly enough to stay on top of things. At the moment, I have 458 items saved to read later. So, I thought that I would start sharing them with you here at a weekly theme.

A Boy and His Dog

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First up, let’s hit on a heartwarming story. A woman was reviewing her security camera at home and she noticed a little boy from the neighborhood drop his bike, run up into her garage where her dog was, give her dog a hug and then run back to his bike to ride off. She was so touched by his love for her dog, she reached out to the neighborhood trying to find him. Once he was identified and they talked, she found out the dog and boy were good friend. Follow the link above to read the story and see the home security video. Awww…too much love here!

 

Graduation Dessert

It’s graduation season – wouldn’t it be cool if you were skilled enough to kick out some cookies like this!?!

 

I will not judge, I will not judge, I will not judge…

We can categorize this as totally bizarre.  This woman quit her job in order to breastfeed someone truly special in her life. I’m not judging though, just trying to process it all.

How true is this!?!

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Game Three

There is a big basketball game tonight and it looks like the Cav’s are feeling a little bit bullied. I’m not sure I’d call it being bullied, but they sure did get their butts kicked in that last game. For Erin’s sake, I hope they pull it out this game before they get too far behind in the series.

 

Recipes I Saved This Week…