Digging Out

I’m bit more stable today. Sorry for turning the sappy emotions up to 10 the last couple days. I turned anxiety into action and started putting my rebuilding plan together. I’m exhausted and scared and unsure if I’ll be strong enough to truly do the things I want to do, but I just can’t sit around and wait because I only have a short time before we need to be on to our next place.

I dug in and put all my bills in order because I have a meeting with an attorney on Monday. I’m going to weigh my options of bankruptcy. I keep going back and forth on it, but when I saw my situation on paper I realized that if I have any hope of every putting my life together then the laws were made for people like me.

Basically when you take everything that I pay out, I’m left with $228 month for food and gas and anything extra. No wonder I’m dying here. Let me assure you all, I have no real extras. WiFi, a phone, I guess those are extras, but whatever. I don’t know. I guess I should cut them off.  Whatever, what I pay out for that would never cover the bills I would be parting with so it really doesn’t matter.

So I’m going to bed with a little anxiety in my belly, but somewhat of a plan, and that feels good. I’ve got a lot more that I want to do, like meet some people my age and start building a circle of friends. Wouldn’t that be cool?  You know I have not one friend? No one single person I see outside of work or Erin. It kind of sucks, but that is the beauty of being in a destructive relationship, they are masterminds of little-by-little taking everything away from you until all you have left is them.

Oh well, not going to dwell there – I’m off to bed before it gets too late.  Love!

Day is Done

I promised a Part II today, but I really don’t know what to say because I think I’m still living the Part II. I had a rough day today, just having trouble staying awake, my body is so weak it is scary. Wish that I could just take a few more days off of work to rest some more. I just can’t, it’s not an option, and I just need to put it out of my head.

Wednesday is our one and only late night, well except for Friday football games, because Erin has cheer practice until 9:00. I’m home, I’m going to change my boob dressing and then I’m hitting the sack.

I wish my mom was here with me. I wish she could hold me while I crawled in bed with her like a little kid. Is that silly? We really don’t have that kind of relationship, that describes my relationship with Erin. My mom is always so guarded and concerned with taking care of my dad’s needs and keeping peace. She has always put him first. I don’t care though, I’m not bitching, just writing my thoughts. My mom loves me very much and I know she wishes things were different and I have no hate for either of them. Maybe just a little disappointment.

My mom and dad left pretty quickly after my surgery because their dog wasn’t feeling well. They needed to put him down the day after they left here, so they are definitely grieving their own loss right now. As they pulled away and left me I just cried like a baby. I’m always so fucking alone. I truly have no desire to ever get into another relationship, but I tell you, if I ever met a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I pray he is compassionate and loving.

That’s it for the night. Nothing much. Thank you for the love the yesterday.

Surgery Part I

As I said in my last post, I went in for surgery last Thursday. My parents came down Wednesday night so that they could help get Erin off to school in the morning and to get me to the hospital by 11:00 am.

The morning went well, I arrived on time and my mom and dad sat with me in the waiting room while we waited for my name to be called. The plan was that I would go back, take a pee test to make sure I hadn’t immaculately conceived a child, get my IV, and then my dad could come back while I waited to be taken back to surgery.

Well, it turns out I was dehydrated and they could not freaking get a vain to do an IV – it took four nurses and five attempts. I think this was the beginning of the end for me. I just can’t handle much more and keep my shit together, you know!?! I’ve been dealing with this crap for 9-months!

So once the IV is finally in, there is no time for my dad to come back and they end up just taking me away. You know how surgery is, it’s scary. I’m always afraid that I’m not going wake up. I guess it wouldn’t be a bad way to go, but obviously I’m not ready to die, so I worry. I think maybe the fear comes from reading COMA in high school English class.

“they called it minor surgery… They never woke up.”

Anyway, I did wake up, but it was no easy task. The nurse that was there to watch over me upon waking up was really a sweet guy. He talked to me as I regained consciousness about how he had three sons and they all live in different parts of the US and each year or so he moves close to the one of the other sons. He said with his set of nursing skills he doesn’t have a problem finding a job and he is able to really experience and build a relationship with his sons during this yearly visit vs. just rushing off one weekend and trying to fill years worth of catching up in two days.

When I started gaining more consciousnesses I realized I was in pain way more than I was this past January and it was awful. This kind nurse told me he could give me this pain killer that worked fast and hard, but didn’t work for a long time. I took it. Well, when he checked in on my pain again I think maybe I was pretty high and out of it still and I expressed major pain and he gave me a second shot of whatever this was and it worked really good.  At this point I was so pain free that every time I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep, I forgot to breathe, and all these alarms kept going off as I drifted into death.

After awhile they realized I wasn’t breathing on my own any better and they brought a machine in that forced me to really push the air in and out of my lungs. It was actually quite exhausting and we were doing this for hours. All this time my parents were told I’d be out in 45 minutes, I went in at 11:00 and now it’s close to 6:00 at night and Erin needs to get home from school and my parents haven’t been able to even see me. Finally my mom somehow found someone to intervene and I was able to get a message to her to call my friend who was running backup for me with Erin in case I ran late. Even then though, they wouldn’t let my parents back yet.

Obviously I’m typing this so you know I didn’t die, but it was a little crazy there for a couple hours. Eventually I was able to breathe on my own and I was allowed to go home.

Friday:

OMG! Friday is just a rotten awful day. My dad and I have a turbulent history and as much as I love him, he can really press my buttons. He notices that the license plate on my car is starting to peel and you can’t really read it that well. His good intentions are to get it replaced so that I don’t get pulled over and get a ticket. The bad thing is that he just can’t let one second to go by without nagging me to do it at that moment. I haven’t even put a bra on yet and he wants me to go town to Secretary of State and sit ALL DAY LONG to replace my license plate. So I start crying and screaming at him and he starts fighting with me and then next thing I know I’m pulling my fucking number for my turn at the DMV.

Now I just want to say this, if there was a question on Family Feud that said, “Name a place you wouldn’t want to be one day after surgery” one of the top answers would have to be DMV, right?  I mean that place is hell on earth. Yet here I sit, braless, less than 24-hours after surgery, getting a new license plate. I can only imagine what I must have looked like.

By now I’m hurting. I woke up not able to move my neck and I couldn’t open my jaw without it being tight and it even hurt to swallow. I was in serious pain and I was just hoping that my check in call from the surgeons office would come soon because the pain meds they gave me were the exact meds that I asked them not to give me because they don’t work for me. My plan was to get something stronger called in, something that actually worked.

Around 3:30 my call comes in and the nurse asks me how I’m doing and I tell her that I am in really rough shape. I assure her that I’m tough, that I rarely take pain meds, but I was taking what they gave me, and I was finding no relief. I shared with her my neck and jaw pain and she sounded a little agitated about that and asked if she could call me back because she wanted to talk to the doctor.

A couple minutes go by and she does in fact call me back. All I can think at that moment is that I’m losing my shit. I’m in so much pain, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I start listening to her talk and I hear her tell me that she wants me to come into the ER and I’m having trouble processing what she is saying and I started anxiously walking around my dining room. I was unaware that Erin had just run through and dropped her backpack on the other side of the island, I put one foot forward it wraps around the arm strap to her backpack, my feet get tangled up and I fucking fall flat on my face. The phone went flying so hard it disconnect the nurse. I officially lose my shit and I just sit there, face to the ground and I cry like a baby.

Oh yeah, everyone from here to Texas came running to see what the fuck happened because shit went flying, the kitchen island actually moved from it’s installed place, plates were broken, the kitchen table was moved sideways – I fell hard. And just remember the poor nurse, she was about to tell me that she was afraid I was having a heart attack and then all she heard was me drop to the floor and my phone disconnected.

The nurse calls back, my mom picks up the phone to talk to her, tells my mom that she wants her to call the ambulance so they can do an EKG on me. My mom has to calm the nurse down and assure her that I didn’t have a heart attack, I just tripped. Yet I’m in the background just sobbing.

You know when you scare a nurse, you’ve fucked up.

So my mom wraps up with her and then calmly tells me that they are calling 911. I refuse and I tell my dad to just take me to the ER. I’m not going in no damn ambulance because I wasn’t having a heart attack. I was just in pain.

I don’t even know where the next six hours went because that was how long it took me to see a fucking doctor once I did get to the ER.  All this time my blood pressure was 200 over something, which turns out was caused by ALL THE PAIN I WAS IN because as soon as they gave me a nice shot of morphine it went right down. After that they turned the lights off for me, shut the door and let me relax for a couple hours. They had some name for what happened to me and it has something to do with uncontrolled pain after surgery. I left with a decent pain killer and I was sent home to do my first packing change because they didn’t want to do it in the ER due to all the germs.

I’ve got to go to bed, but I’ll finish this story tomorrow and I’ll leave you with this picture:

boob-packing

This picture shows how much packing came out of my boob from surgery. He ended up taking my milk ducts and a bunch of other tissue and the size of the hole inside my boob is just unreal. When my mom was pulling it out, it was just about an hour after I came home from the ER. I broke down. I reached my limit with the entire situation and at one point I asked her to put a bullet in my head. I know that sounds so awful, but that was how horrible this experience was.

So I’m off to bed and I’ll write more tomorrow.

My Saturday

Woke up this morning, cleaned the upstairs bathroom, got the laundry downstairs and then headed out the door. I hadn’t had my face waxed since July and I’m an every-two-weeks girl. Mucho hairy.

My favorite place to have my face waxed is back in Detroit, my ladies are so nice, 1/2 the price and they know exactly how to arch my brows. In three years living on this side of town I have no been able to find anyone to clean up my face they way my ladies in Detroit do.

Any time I even spoke the word that I was going back to that side of the state it would cause so much grief in our home. For whatever reason it just pushed Rob’s buttons. He would always say, “We live here now!” It used to drive both Erin and me nuts!

I have a few things that I’ve been unable to duplicate on this side of town and if the stars align then I can usually make a nice Saturday out of a run.

  • Produce Market (Unbelievable low prices)
  • Chiropractor ($40 for both of us AND we can go unlimited amount of times throughout the one week period if we know we’ll be back in town) (not to mention I love the entire office as if they were my family)
  • Salon for waxing (as I stated above)
  • Middle Eastern Food!!!!! (and cheep – more than 1/2 the cost, better tasting than what we can find out this way) (plus we know everyone and we are treated like old friends)
  • Meat Market (Bulk meat for $115 which includes, 10# ground beef, 5#: sirloin steak, chicken quarters, boneless / skinless chick breasts, pork chops, country ribs, 3# polish sausage, and 10#potatoes)

Moving obviously kills the kitchen. Our house is bare so it is a perfect time to fill it with exactly the kind of foods I want us eating now. If I waited much longer, crappy foods were going to start finding their way in.

It was also payday, and while I don’t necessarily have the money to invest in a big shopping trip, I decided our health and our future budget was more important than penny pinching right now. So we headed to Detroit, bought a meat bundle, had my face waxed, stopped for a TON of produce and ordered carryout chicken shawarma sandwiches, which we ate on the ride home.  The only thing that could have made the trip better is if we could have stopped in to see the chiropractor. I just couldn’t spend the $40 this week.

We were home by 12:30, I put everything in the fridge, and then we both sat in the living room and took a nap. In fact, Erin is still sleeping right now. It’s a rainy day so we aren’t missing out on spectacular weather either.

So now I will be working on getting all the meat the way that I want it for storage. When it was just the two of us before, it would take about a month or so for us to go through that much meat, eating at home every day and for lunches. I had a great system.

This time I’m thinking I’m going to make some chicken and rice soup because I have a ton of homemade chicken stock that I brought from the old house. I’ll most likely make my favorite paleo chili and I think I’m going to prepare the rest of the ground beef for tacos and spaghetti sauce. The rest of the meat I’ll just break into serving sizes for dinner, place them in freezer bags and then pop in the freezer.

Before I do anything though, I’ve got to get a menu going for the week.

I go into surgery on Thursday and my mom and dad will be down on Wednesday. I’d like to have an idea of what we will cook when my mom is here taking care of me. Last time she was here I was NOT organized and I was very depressed and it made meals really hard. I want things to be positive and structured this time around.

That’s where I’m at this Saturday – looking forward to an evening of food prep!

I am Alive

Holy cow – the last few months – where to even begin. I was drowning in my life. Overwhelmed, exhausted, beat up emotionally, and broke I didn’t know how I was ever going to get to this moment right here. There were times I didn’t think I could go on – the future too far to see, but I moved one box at a time, then I drove one carload at a time, one inhale, one exhale and eventually the clouds lifted.

At the moment I’m sitting in a safe place, a little home we are renting for the next 8 months. It’s in the town that Erin needed to be in to stay in her school. It is at the higher end of my budget, but I can afford it. It came fully furnished because it is an off season rental (the owners go to Florida for the winter, summers here). It is even on the lake and the weather held out one last weekend so Erin and her friends could enjoy it before we quickly head into the fall season.

I am a single mom again.

It was so painful to do it, but I parted ways with Rob. He’s hurt and sad and my family is no longer together, but I am free from certain burdens that came from being the head of the household. It was killing me. I can handle the life of me and Erin. Sadly one more person and I’m pushed over the edge.

Just left the surgeons office today and when I arrived back home the cable man was here getting my internet up and running. So now I am connected to the world again.

Yes, I said surgeons office…tomorrow his office will call me and I will know when I’m going back under the knife. We need to repeat the procedure I had in January. The outside of my breast is more interested in healing than the inside and that is causing the pocket of fluid to form, so we will try it again.

It’s ok though – all is good. I am safe and I’m looking forward to reconnecting.