Creating Lines

I logged into wordpress for the first time in almost a year last week. I thought about writing. I didn’t do it, but I thought about it. 2017 has been a weird one. I guess I’d say that it was very much a year of putting shit in the right place, drawing lines in the sand.

My bankruptcy should be finalized before the end of the year. I just dropped my last $223 money order in the mail yesterday. I keep thinking I should feel happier about it, more relief, but I don’t. I had a lot of doctor bills and I hadn’t charged on credit cards for years, so the actually process created a lot more expense than what I had been living with. Take for example my electric bill, had a $50 current bill, electric company got word of the bankruptcy, by policy wiped the $50 bill off their records, but then required me to put down a $250 security deposit. My car was the same way, I expected to just pay off the car and walk away without a car payment, but the credit union would release the lien on the car without me keeping the credit card I had with them and that credit card was pretty much the only consumer type debt I had. I ended up having to buy a new vehicle and now I have a car payment and I was really hoping for a year post bankruptcy where I could breathe a little bit.

Instead of writing here, I’ve really just been putting out fires such as the crap up above.

I’ve been lonely too. The year with the teen girl have been very isolating. I’ve never loved and been frustrated with the same person, at the same time, in my life before. These teen years aren’t just hard to live through, they are hard to watch someone you love go through as well. Having sympathy doesn’t seem to keep you out of the path of the teenage wrath though.

Work has been very challenging, high pressure, long hours. I don’t really love it, but I love my company and am sticking around because I think they are on to some great things. I’ve traveled to Phoenix once this year for training. My boss just wrote a really wonderful review about me that I was able to read this morning. The company is willing to send me back to school to get my BA. There may be a new job being created that I would be perfect for, but the minimum education needed is a BA, so working toward it could be a very good thing.

My depression has been debilitating. There have been moments where I think I should have myself committed. That maybe in that environment I can get the attention I need for medical professionals to find medicine that might help me. I don’t ever do it. So I just wallow.

I think it’s the world we live in. Everything just sucks.

My parents stopped talking to me in August. My mom is in a situation I cannot control because she has decided certain things in her life and she is in control of her own life, just like we make our own decisions for ours. I fear she will die and things will end like this.

Abuse sucks.

Life is about boundaries.

I’m learning boundaries.

I’m teaching a teen about boundaries.

Boundaries can make a person pretty lonely.

 

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Arbonne, Day #1

I’m sipping my first detox tea this morning and I thought it would be a good time to post. Taking some major steps to getting my health back so that I can not only put the past behind me, but start looking forward to a future. The past year, all my health issues, the massive amounts of antibiotics I was on, the anesthesia for four surgeries…I feel it all lurking inside me, draining every ounce of energy in my body.

As I started to put my life back together I was seeking a program that would kick start my weight loss and help me rid my body of all the toxins. I found this Arbonne program and it clicked off every single box I was looking for:

  • Shake based.
  • No gluten.
  • Low glycemic (since I have a tendency to have blood sugar fluctuation).
  • No whey (I’m certain I’m allergic).

It also happens to be vegan and a whole lot of other stuff that wasn’t on my checklist, but makes me feel good about its purity.

So I’m taking the next 30-days to focus on just eating one meal a day and supplementing the other two with these shakes that I’ll be making on my own. I’ve never done any type of detox or weight loss program outside of just eating right before so I’m skeptical, yet I know this is what I need right now.

I’m actually really excited for this.

Well, my first tea is gone and I liked it. I don’t feel weird at all. This is a good sign my body will tolerate the products. I’ll jump back in, maybe even today again, to document how the first day is going.

Walking Routine

This may feel as if it is coming on the heels of all the fat talk from the other day, but it isn’t really. A couple months ago my mom told me about this walking program I could do right from Youtube, I guess that they are doing a session in her weight watchers class each week. She was pretty excited about it and thought I might be interested in it too. I took one look at the video she shared and I knew this was going to be the way that I got my mobility back.

So I did this video tonight for the first time and I plan on starting my morning off with it until I can walk a little better.

Just a little something to get the blood moving in my legs.

Traveling in the New World

I’m just home from a couple days of travel for work. It was a bit tough to get out of town, but once I was sitting in the plane, belted in, ready to take off, things were all in their place.

Getting Erin situated was the hardest. Single parenting isn’t necessarily hard every day, but when it comes to times like this, I long for having someone to have my back. I also get angry too. Angry that the people in my life are not the people I want them to be. My parents, Rob, Betty. I cope most days by focusing on their good qualities vs. bad, but when my balls are to the wall, their inadequacies are shining.

In the end, I let my guard down, and I accepted a very generous offering by one of Erin’s friends parents, and I let her stay with her for the three days I was away. As part of my ‘recovery’ I need to learn to trust and let the good people in. So this was HUGE for me. So funny, I have taken this friend on a one-day, 10 hour multi-state road trip / hiking  tour of Cuyahoga Valley National Park. She’s been up to my parents house. I’ve been her girl scout leader. We are preparing to take an international trip with Girl Scouts in the next year or so. Clearly her mother trusts me with her daughter, why it isn’t so easy on the flip side, I’ll never know, but I’m going to learn.

It should come as no surprise, and we’ve talked about it a lot over the years, I’m a big girl. Like people stare at me in public big. Let me give you an example, this mother above, invited me out to breakfast last week before the girls basketball tournament and while we were sitting, talking, eating breakfast a random old man stopped by to tell me how fucking fat I was, just in case I hadn’t noticed it myself. I’m the kind of fat where I don’t dare put anything unhealthy in my grocery cart or else while in line, people will snicker and comment under their breath about how that’s why I’m so fat.

Now that we are living in a post-Trump world I expect this to get worse. In fact, when it’s all said and done, if Trump were to have his wish, I’m sure there will be a special rehabilitation camp for people like me where we get government mandated time away from work, paid, and we will perform Biggest Loser type workouts until the weight is gone. Reconstruction surgery is even going to be covered and boob implants will be free in order to increase the beautification of the general American woman. I’m sorry to say, those who fail the program will face euthanasia. I even heard he’s going to personally host a reality show featuring these morbidly obese fat fucks like myself.

Anyway, I digress, back to my trip. Traveling as a fat person is like this. From the moment you come into contact with the first person traveling, you are met with eyes singing a chorus of, “God, I hope she isn’t sitting next to me.”  This chant gets louder and louder the closer you get to your gate and by the time you are waiting to board the plane people gasp and roll their eyes and make comments under their breath.

When I heard I had to travel for work I put a plan together on how I was going to handle this situation and this is how it went:

Me:  “Hi! How are you today?” (with a beaming, I’m so fucking friendly smile, there is no way you can hate someone with so much love beaming from a fucking smile, can you???)

“I’m unexpectedly traveling for work and as you can see, I’m a big girl and I’m pretty nervous about crowing the space next to another passenger and I really don’t want to end up on the news or on a viral internet story. Please know that you can move me around as you see fit in order to keep everyone comfortable.”

Airline Worker: (with a beaming, I’m so fucking happy to help you smile) “Let’s see what I can do for you so that you are more comfortable.”

Me:  “This is not about me being comfortable, I just don’t want to cause problems for other passengers.”

Airline Worker:  (type, type, type, type…printing a new boarding pass) “Here you go Catherine, you are going to be very comfortable in this seat. (again with ME being comfortable, didn’t she hear me?!?!? This isn’t about me, or is it? Am I worthy of being comfortable? God, I never thought about that. What a shame.)

Me: “Thank you so very much” (with my eyes filling with tears)

And I had that exact conversation on the way home and received the same result. I was happily moved to a place that had an empty seat next to me and the other passenger. If I ever have to fly again, I’m tell you, it will be American Airlines all the way. I wouldn’t even risk it. I had never flown with them before and my experience was superior to anything I had experienced before.

I’m catching up on laundry, putting the house back together and thinking about all that I learned over the past couple days away training. Erin is heading out to a play with a friend in about an hour and I’ll have the house to myself. I’m looking forward to it. I wasn’t away long enough for the teenage chip on her shoulder to fall off. Plus I guess I pissed her off when she saw this post on Facebook:

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Apparently, this translated to a teenager as:

“I’m so fucking happy I’m not in Michigan with my despicable teenage daughter. Fuck you. And while we are at it, fuck Michigan too!”

So that we can clear the air, my not in Michigan comment was about me appreciating the fact that I’m in a different part of the world than I would have normally been and there was a FUCKING MOUNTAIN IN FRONT OF ME and I was so stressed I didn’t even realize it until I looked up and that was a fucking shame. Plus, there are no mountains in Michigan. Mountains are pretty. Especially to people that live in Michigan where there are no mountains. I apologize to the entire state by dissing you with my thoughtless comment.

OMG!

Back to laundry my friends, hope all is well in the world you live in.

Things I Saved on Facebook This Week

I have an addiction of ‘saving’ things when I come across them in my Facebook timeline thinking that I will come back and read them later.  I do occasionally go back, but not nearly enough to stay on top of things. At the moment, I have 458 items saved to read later. So, I thought that I would start sharing them with you here at a weekly theme.

A Boy and His Dog

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First up, let’s hit on a heartwarming story. A woman was reviewing her security camera at home and she noticed a little boy from the neighborhood drop his bike, run up into her garage where her dog was, give her dog a hug and then run back to his bike to ride off. She was so touched by his love for her dog, she reached out to the neighborhood trying to find him. Once he was identified and they talked, she found out the dog and boy were good friend. Follow the link above to read the story and see the home security video. Awww…too much love here!

 

Graduation Dessert

It’s graduation season – wouldn’t it be cool if you were skilled enough to kick out some cookies like this!?!

 

I will not judge, I will not judge, I will not judge…

We can categorize this as totally bizarre.  This woman quit her job in order to breastfeed someone truly special in her life. I’m not judging though, just trying to process it all.

How true is this!?!

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Game Three

There is a big basketball game tonight and it looks like the Cav’s are feeling a little bit bullied. I’m not sure I’d call it being bullied, but they sure did get their butts kicked in that last game. For Erin’s sake, I hope they pull it out this game before they get too far behind in the series.

 

Recipes I Saved This Week…