Well I’m up again early. Showered. Face lathered in cream in hopes of nourishing the lines that appear faster and faster these days. And I’m here, writing, two days in a row.
As I sit down to type I have no idea what I want to unload this morning so it will be interesting to see where this post goes.
I mentioned in an early post that I have been listening to a lot of podcasts. I even linked to one or two. Yesterdays podcast journey delivered me to one that really resonated with me, yet it didn’t say anything more than what the hundreds of others I’ve listened to before. Yet I feel it’s intensity in my soul yet today.
We are personally responsible for our lives.
At the end of the day, no matter what our background story is or how good or bad we’ve had it in life. I am in control of the person I am ever single second of the day. I think of all the years I wasted in my ‘story’, wallowing because I wasn’t loved the way I should have been. That I wasn’t supported to thrive. That my family relationships were all based on conditions that I behave a certain way. That I had no money.
I allowed people to treat me bad. I didn’t set boundaries with anyone. I thought if I just gave and gave of myself, finally someone would love me the way I deserved to be loved.
In the end I gave of myself until there was literally nothing left to give. I lost my voice. My health declined. I wasn’t the best mom I could be. I lost control of the finances.
The best thing that ever happened to me, and as hard as that time in my life was, and as scared as it made me, getting sick changed my life. I saw death and I knew I didn’t want anything to do with it. I saw how stupid I was acting. I saw crystal clear that I was the one stopping myself from having the life I wanted.
Since I’ve been setting boundaries in my life interesting things have started to happen. People have left, my parents. Others have stepped up and have (mostly) respected the lines I’ve drawn, Rob. My work parameters are changing because I stood up and said I couldn’t run myself into the ground and longer. In response, two of the brokers I support have been removed from my desk. This will allow me to truly build a strong relationship with the team of brokers I’m left with. My most challenging relationship, my daughter, is actually improving too.
If someone is talking to you in a way that angers you or makes you feel bad, you need to open your mouth tactfully and express what isn’t working for you. If your husband isn’t respecting something that is creating a burning sensation of rage in the pit of your stomach, then you need to tell him. If someone doesn’t value you, regardless of how close they are to you, parent, child, sister, brother, then they need to be removed from your life, no matter how hard that decision will be to make.
For generations we have been taught to abide. To silence our needs. To fix. And as maternal beings we have been looked at as an endless well of nurturing. I know loving someone makes me feel amazing, but it just can’t be done on a one way street. We can’t be taken from until we are depleted with nothing left to give ourselves. We need to protect ourselves so that we can continue to keep giving to those that we love.
It took me 43 years to figure this shit out and I’m sure it will take me another 43 years to perfect how to reprogram myself to love myself enough to keep a little inside for me. I was born and bread to be a wife. From my earliest memories I was taught to serve men. From waiting on them as they barked orders to me, to cleaning up their messes. I was taught that I needed to have straight teeth, long hair, and an attractive body because that was the key to my hooking a husband that would provide for me. My value in my family is based only in how much I weigh. How fitting is it that one of the last things I heard my father say was to my brother, “look at her, no man would ever want to be with her.” And that wasn’t 20 years ago, that was in the past six months.
It hurt for a long time afterward. I processed it over and over and read about men that feel this way about women because it hurt so bad and I needed to understand it. After I made peace with it I am left with this, I’m so happy to be me on my terms. Big and fat with a gap in my teeth, living life on my terms. This is so much better than having a man, providing for me under the terms that I kept those conditions met. When I do eventually lose weight it will be on my terms. Not on the pressures that have been put on me.
This is my demon. I’m sure you have yours. Hell, this is just one, I have plenty. Regardless what yours is we need to remember that we are the ones in control of everything. Set boundaries, live them, and you will be surprised how others act when you demand that they respect them.
Below are a few links on where you will find me at these days:
What I’m listening to:
The Life Coach School podcast: Episode One
What I’m reading:
The Art of Extreme Self Care, by Cheryl Richardson