I logged into wordpress for the first time in almost a year last week. I thought about writing. I didn’t do it, but I thought about it. 2017 has been a weird one. I guess I’d say that it was very much a year of putting shit in the right place, drawing lines in the sand.
My bankruptcy should be finalized before the end of the year. I just dropped my last $223 money order in the mail yesterday. I keep thinking I should feel happier about it, more relief, but I don’t. I had a lot of doctor bills and I hadn’t charged on credit cards for years, so the actually process created a lot more expense than what I had been living with. Take for example my electric bill, had a $50 current bill, electric company got word of the bankruptcy, by policy wiped the $50 bill off their records, but then required me to put down a $250 security deposit. My car was the same way, I expected to just pay off the car and walk away without a car payment, but the credit union would release the lien on the car without me keeping the credit card I had with them and that credit card was pretty much the only consumer type debt I had. I ended up having to buy a new vehicle and now I have a car payment and I was really hoping for a year post bankruptcy where I could breathe a little bit.
Instead of writing here, I’ve really just been putting out fires such as the crap up above.
I’ve been lonely too. The year with the teen girl have been very isolating. I’ve never loved and been frustrated with the same person, at the same time, in my life before. These teen years aren’t just hard to live through, they are hard to watch someone you love go through as well. Having sympathy doesn’t seem to keep you out of the path of the teenage wrath though.
Work has been very challenging, high pressure, long hours. I don’t really love it, but I love my company and am sticking around because I think they are on to some great things. I’ve traveled to Phoenix once this year for training. My boss just wrote a really wonderful review about me that I was able to read this morning. The company is willing to send me back to school to get my BA. There may be a new job being created that I would be perfect for, but the minimum education needed is a BA, so working toward it could be a very good thing.
My depression has been debilitating. There have been moments where I think I should have myself committed. That maybe in that environment I can get the attention I need for medical professionals to find medicine that might help me. I don’t ever do it. So I just wallow.
I think it’s the world we live in. Everything just sucks.
My parents stopped talking to me in August. My mom is in a situation I cannot control because she has decided certain things in her life and she is in control of her own life, just like we make our own decisions for ours. I fear she will die and things will end like this.
Life is about boundaries.
I’m learning boundaries.
I’m teaching a teen about boundaries.
Boundaries can make a person pretty lonely.