Five Days – Not Bad

Not much writing for me today. I’m a little rushed. My mind is a little preoccupied. I think maybe I need to try getting up at 5:00 am vs 5:30.  I’m really enjoying my morning time alone and I think maybe I just need a little more.

The afternoon crash hit again around 3:00, I ate an apple and I rebounded pretty quick. I’ll remember that for today. I opted for pizza takeout last night vs. making the big meal I was planning. That way I was able to get to bed early. By 9:00 I was already tucked into my covers. Just saying 9:00 is insane – I’m a night owl! I feel really good today though so five mornings in and I’m thinking we’ll shoot for another week.

Erin has a friend that is going through some hard times. I’ve known about it for about a month and had made certain decisions about the matter and then put it out to the universe to decide what to do with it. Today I’m going to be taking a step in pushing it either forward or taking it off the table. I’m scared. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right or wrong. I just know that I can’t watch while this precious beautiful girl continues to go through what she is living with. This being public, that’s all I’m willing to say, but know that I’m open to becoming a family of three of that is what God intends for me.

That’s all I have right now. I washed my hair this morning so I need to scoot and get this awful mane blown out. I need a haircut so bad!

Peace to all today – love to the Universe!


What Does Happiness Look Like To Me?

Back to the exercises of yesterday, what does happiness look like to me?

This is inspired by The Life Coach, Episode Three

Starting my list from a place of abundance, what I already have, and then diving into what I’m striving for in the future. My list:

  1. Have a beautiful daughter that completes me in every single way possible.
  2. Build a career that I’m proud of.
  3. Make enough money to comfortably provide for my family.
  4. Have health insurance that covers my family in case of emergency and/or sickness.
  5. Have life insurance to protect my daughter in case anything ever happened to me.
  6. Drive a dependable car that keeps my family safe and comfortable.
  7. Live in a home that is affordable, yet also has the space I need to house my possessions comfortably.
  8. Live a life free from debt.
  9. Have enough money saved for retirement.
  10. Save enough money to purchase a ranch home where I can grow old.
  11. To fill the perimeter of that home with a beautiful flower garden.
  12. To join a community of people that is centered around fitness, health and well being like I had when I was in CrossFit.
  13. Get to a place with my weight where I can have my knees replaced.
  14. Have surgery to remove my excess skin and a breast reduction.
  15. Have a home where friends and family gather to laugh, cry, eat good food and feel safe. I want to be surrounded by people I love.
  16. Purge my possession until I have just enough.
  17. Finish my education / never stop learning.
  18. Work for myself in a profession where I am able to support and change lives, yet make enough money to provide for my needs.
  19. To always have enough.
  20. Ability to travel to places I’ve only seen in pictures.

What about you?  Can you take a half hour out of your day to listen to the linked podcast? If you can and you feel like posting your list eventually, link to it in the comments. Or just write your list in the comments.

I love the idea of starting the list with what we already have. I think that it is an amazing place to start because it honors what we already have.

Wednesday Morning

I’m up again! Day #3 of getting up at 5:30.

I’d say the only real challenge has been a very definite mid-afternoon slump hitting about 4:00. Both days have been identical. I had PTO yesterday and I happened to be sitting on the couch when the slump started and I fell asleep!  UGH!  I’m pretty sure I slept for a good couple hours too.

It didn’t stop me from getting to sleep last night and the great news is that I slept with my CPAP machine until the alarm went off. That may have been a first. Only problem is that now I have lines all over my face from the mask this morning.

Things I will be meditating on today:

What does happiness fell like? If I were happy, what would that feel like?

Do you allow yourself to dream? Do you plan to create or are you just reacting to your life?

Make a list of 25 things that you want and come from a place of abundance.

That’s what I’ll be working on today. Hopefully it will inspire some writing tomorrow morning!


Well I’m up again early. Showered. Face lathered in cream in hopes of nourishing the lines that appear faster and faster these days. And I’m here, writing, two days in a row.

As I sit down to type I have no idea what I want to unload this morning so it will be interesting to see where this post goes.

I mentioned in an early post that I have been listening to a lot of podcasts. I even linked to one or two. Yesterdays podcast journey delivered me to one that really resonated with me, yet it didn’t say anything more than what the hundreds of others I’ve listened to before. Yet I feel it’s intensity in my soul yet today.

We are personally responsible for our lives. 

At the end of the day, no matter what our background story is or how good or bad we’ve had it in life. I am in control of the person I am ever single second of the day. I think of all the years I wasted in my ‘story’, wallowing because I wasn’t loved the way I should have been. That I wasn’t supported to thrive. That my family relationships were all based on conditions that I behave a certain way. That I had no money.

I allowed people to treat me bad. I didn’t set boundaries with anyone. I thought if I just gave and gave of myself, finally someone would love me the way I deserved to be loved.

In the end I gave of myself until there was literally nothing left to give. I lost my voice. My health declined. I wasn’t the best mom I could be. I lost control of the finances.

The best thing that ever happened to me, and as hard as that time in my life was, and as scared as it made me, getting sick changed my life. I saw death and I knew I didn’t want anything to do with it. I saw how stupid I was acting. I saw crystal clear that I was the one stopping myself from having the life I wanted.

Since I’ve been setting boundaries in my life interesting things have started to happen. People have left, my parents. Others have stepped up and have (mostly) respected the lines I’ve drawn, Rob. My work parameters are changing because I stood up and said I couldn’t run myself into the ground and longer. In response, two of the brokers I support have been removed from my desk.  This will allow me to truly build a strong relationship with the team of brokers I’m left with. My most challenging relationship, my daughter, is actually improving too.

If someone is talking to you in a way that angers you or makes you feel bad, you need to open your mouth tactfully and express what isn’t working for you. If your husband isn’t respecting something that is creating a burning sensation of rage in the pit of your stomach, then you need to tell him. If someone doesn’t value you, regardless of how close they are to you, parent, child, sister, brother, then they need to be removed from your life, no matter how hard that decision will be to make.

For generations we have been taught to abide. To silence our needs. To fix. And as maternal beings we have been looked at as an endless well of nurturing. I know loving someone makes me feel amazing, but it just can’t be done on a one way street. We can’t be taken from until we are depleted with nothing left to give ourselves. We need to protect ourselves so that we can continue to keep giving to those that we love.

It took me 43 years to figure this shit out and I’m sure it will take me another 43 years to perfect how to reprogram myself to love myself enough to keep a little inside for me. I was born and bread to be a wife. From my earliest memories I was taught to serve men. From waiting on them as they barked orders to me, to cleaning up their messes. I was taught that I needed to have straight teeth, long hair, and an attractive body because that was the key to my hooking a husband that would provide for me. My value in my family is based only in how much I weigh. How fitting is it that one of the last things I heard my father say was to my brother, “look at her, no man would ever want to be with her.” And that wasn’t 20 years ago, that was in the past six months.

It hurt for a long time afterward. I processed it over and over and read about men that feel this way about women because it hurt so bad and I needed to understand it. After I made peace with it I am left with this, I’m so happy to be me on my terms. Big and fat with a gap in my teeth, living life on my terms. This is so much better than having a man, providing for me under the terms that I kept those conditions met. When I do eventually lose weight it will be on my terms. Not on the pressures that have been put on me.

This is my demon. I’m sure you have yours. Hell, this is just one, I have plenty. Regardless what yours is we need to remember that we are the ones in control of everything. Set boundaries, live them, and you will be surprised how others act when you demand that they respect them.

Happy Tuesday.

Below are a few links on where you will find me at these days:

What I’m listening to:

The Life Coach School podcastEpisode One


What I’m reading:

The Art of Extreme Self Care, by Cheryl Richardson

Do Over

This is my do over week considering last week was nothing like I expected it to be when I wrote my last post. It all started when I was sitting right here on the computer at my kitchen table. It was about 10:30 at night and our phone rang. I’m old school so when the phone rings, the home phone, the first thought in my head was, “who died?”

The wonderful thing was that out of the three cordless handsets we have, not one of them had been placed back on the base so we couldn’t answer this strange evening telephone call.

I had a wonderful idea, I’d use my cell phone to call the home phone and check my messages. Only problem, I clearly didn’t have the pin number since I’m accustomed to only checking my messages from home, which means I don’t ever use a pin. After several unsuccessful attempts at guessing what I might have used as a pin when I set the voicemail up years ago, I locked myself out.

Then next half hour was spent on the phone with our cable provider resetting the pin, but by then, word had spread about who was so urgently calling us so late in the evening.

It turns out that it was was my daughters school. They were cancelling school for the next day because it turns out that a group of boys were planning to shoot up the school the next day. It hits particularly close to home because not only were they planning on shooting the school up, the plan was to shoot anyone that participated in the school walkout, one my daughter was planning on being a part of.

These boys have been a very strong political voice in the school. They happen to wear a certain red baseball cap daily professing the words Make and America and Great and Again.

I think about how I moved my daughter from a district where she would have been one of thousands to a class where she is one of 53. It’s better, right? Small town? People know your name? Well, it hasn’t been that wonderful experience that I was searching for and it’s just one more reason why I plan on packing my house up the second Erin graduates and I’ll never look back.

As you can imagine, the week was filled with a lot of drama, and reassurance that my daughter and her friends were safe. Erin, in true form, took all her frustrations out on her mother. It’s kind of crazy. That morning we were pulling out of the driveway on the way to school. Erin said something along the lines of her school being shot up. I literally stopped the car, looked at her and said, “Erin Nicole, no one is going to shoot up your school, you have got to stop living fear!”

When Erin’s anxiety hit boiling point, she screamed at me, “You told me this would never happen!  You lied to me!  You are such a liar!”


The next day it went against all my mothering instincts and I dropped my kid off at school in the name of freedom, because in the end, we cannot live in fear. I literally felt sick inside, I could have vomited by the time I reached the main road.


This is part of a text exchange I had with her that day and there will never be a day when I don’t remember this.

Now, a week later we are still putting our pieces back together. We are following the news to see what happens to the boys. It was a little sister that told the authorities about what was being planned. Let’s all take a moment to send that sweet child strength and love. I can only imagine how hard it was to do that and I bet her life hasn’t been so great since.

For me, I’m deep in my book about self care and I’ve been up since 5:30 this morning trying our something new for the next 30-days. I’ll write about that later though, it’s time to get going to work and I must get the girl child up.

Happy Monday to All!