It’s a New Week

First of all, thank you to everyone that came in here to give me support the last time I wrote. I haven’t really sat back down to the computer since, but when I was at the hospital, living a nightmare, my phone would ding, and I would see your words of encouragement. They mean so much to me.

I don’t want to dwell on last week too much, but I do want to offer you a quick update. Rob woke up, he is starting to put back the pieces of his life mentally. He knows who we are. He finally seems to be understanding what is going on around him. There were times at first where you thought he was with it and understanding, but then he would speak and it was clear he was living in some fantasy that was made up from broken parts of conversations going on around him and memories from the past.

He lost a lot of mobility. He can’t roll over in bed. He can’t swing is legs to the side of the bed to get up on his own. Once he is standing, he can stand forever. I gave him a shower on Saturday and he could have stood there while I washed his body for hours. His biggest struggle is trying to get up from the toilet. He has no strength in his hipflexers. This is a warning to us, 25 deep squats every day just to keep those bad boys moving.

He’ll be going to a rehab facility, probably today. I lost an entire week of work and I have to go pick those pieces up, so he’ll need to deal with that on his own.

On Sunday I started putting my crap back together in the house. The countdown to school starting is getting louder and I wanted certain things in order before that happened. I took back my kitchen and dining room yesterday and moved Erin’s slime making accessories downstairs. She was PISSED at me, but man, that shit is destroying my house!

One thing that really hit home for me last week is my addition to food. I was a week solid into eating carb free and making good choices. When things got hard I ate like a fucking pig. I’m going back to OA, for real this time. I’m working the program hard. Admitting I’m powerless over food – Done!  First step cleared.

I’ve pulled out my books, started looking up meetings, started planning my meals. It’s just the next step to figuring this whole thing out.

I’m going to get my coffee going now and I’m going to read a little bit before the kids get dropped off and I have to get my butt out the door. I’m looking forward to writing more tomorrow.

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My World is Upside Down

I want to get in here and write, but I’m a little rushed today to get on the road. I’m dropping Erin and the kids off at school in a few minutes and then I’m driving up north to see Rob in the hospital. I’ve been doing the back-and-forth trip for a couple days now.

On Tuesday he was found unresponsive, in what we now know what a diabetic coma, with a blood sugar level of over 1,300. Shit is critical for him right now.

He is currently breathing on his own, we took him off the ventilator yesterday at 9:28, but he didn’t really come back by the time I left in the evening. He will answer commands with grunts, he has limited memory, and his bodily movements can only be compared to a newborns.

Today is a big day. We’ll run him through a dialysis session and if he is still in this state we can’t blame it on drugs being in his system and we’ll have to start brain scans to see what kind of damage was done.

It sounds silly to say this, but a secondary issue, is that it appears he had a heart attack during this episode. It’s an issue, but there are so many other bigger things we are dealing with at the moment, nothing is being talked about other than that is what appears to have happened.

I’m practicing major self care. I am sleeping. I took off work and handed all my work over to someone to cover me. This point is huge because I would normally try to do double duty. But I will not lose myself in all this.

All that being said, I’m shaken. I don’t shake with his health things. If what I saw yesterday was as good as it is going to get, I’d have a hard time describing him as anything other than a vegetable. He will never hold a phone and text me again. We’ll never laugh about stupid shows we are watching. He’ll never run his hands down my back as we talk all night long about all the great stuff we have been working on for the future. He’ll never tell me how much he loves me again and how he thinks I’m the best woman who has ever been put on this earth. Yes, he actually tells me that shit these days. I told you guys we’ve been working on shit and that living apart has been good for us.

More importantly though, he’s not going to be the dad that Erin needs him to be. She’s already scarified so much, this will be a blow.

I need to get on the road. I’ll update soon.

My Monday

Spending my precious morning hours cleaning up the kitchen that I left a mess last night. I woke up and could smell onion all the way upstairs in my room..ugh, that means my entire house is going to smell. I was in bed, laying there, minutes before the alarm went off, trying to remember what I left out. I retraced my steps to cutting a half of onion, putting it in the pan, wrapping up the other half and putting it in the fridge. When I came down I instantly saw that the peels from the half I cut up were still sitting on the counter. So I opened a window, the brisk morning air hit the house, and I started cleaning up the mess I should have last night.

When I walked in from work last night Erin was fighting herself to stay up and greet me.  She hugged me and declared she was exhausted. By the time I walked out of the bathroom, she was already sleeping in my bed. She doesn’t have school today so I let her sleep.

I know what I’m going to say might piss some mothers off, but I have so little time alone and away from her, I do enjoy an hour or two by myself. She is so tough to be around right now. I’ve talked about it before, these teen years are hard on all of us. So I popped my feet up and started watching some HGTV. That was until Rob called me. He was having a bad day, was having some anxiety, and talking to me calmed him down. While we were talking I remembered that my mom had asked me a favor on Saturday and I forgot all about it. I got off the phone quickly and started to work on a flyer she needed.

My brother and his family were up there this past weekend. They always go during their kids spring break. My mom and SIL called me on Saturday afternoon, quietly asking me if there was any way I could create a For Sale flyer for their house. I guess my dad has been obsessed with putting his house up for sale and was torturing my mom about her inability to create a flyer for him. She tried to respond to him rationally. She had just an ipad, she couldn’t create what he was looking for. In his typical fashion he declared my mother an idiot, and worse, that she was somehow being difficult and not doing it for him, I’m sure what he thinks is laziness. You know he only thinks the best about those he supposedly loves.

I was working on real work stuff all weekend so I told her I would get it to them by the end of Monday, but honestly, it slipped my mind.  I’m so overwhelmed with what is on my actual desk right now, there is no room for pet projects.

Once I finally got the flyer made, he was happy says my mom, and now hopefully will  get off my moms ass. He’s going to kill her. Not physically murder her, but the stress he puts on her is going to send her to an early death. It kills me, yet I refuse to let it sink into my soul. There is just not a thing I can do. She reached out for help, I gave it to her, and now I’m moving on.

So that is what screwed the evening up. I didn’t start dinner until 9:00 and then Erin woke up. I wanted to spend a few minutes with her before I went up to bed so we watched a little tv together. Just a weird night I guess.

I’m hoping that by the end of the week my desk will be business as usual again. I’ve been buried for months now. I can’t remember the last time I saw the light of day. Last week, I had enough and I ask my boss to see if there were any other designers available to help. I had four people helping out, filling in templates, ordering things, searching for property pictures. They weren’t able to take anything to the finish line for me, I need to do that, but when I eventually get to work on the deal, it will be started and that will really help me move it off my desk fast.

Once I’m in a good groove, I’m going to shoot for getting out of the office earlier, maybe around 4:00. Because of my new morning schedule I’m getting in a good hour before I was before. I’d like to pick up some type of exercise routine in the evening, I’m toying of going back to CrossFit, but the financial impact of that on my family budget is tough. Either way, once warmer weather officially hits here, I’m not going to be sitting in my office, or in traffic. I plan to be ahead of the game, working in my garden. Cooking dinners. Exercising. I just need to get caught up for that to happen.

And speaking of warm weather…I woke up to a dusting of snow again.

Connecting the Dots. Life as I See it.

As you know I’ve been listening to A LOT of podcasts. What is cool is that I haven’t just been listening to one show, or even one category. Some days I’m listing to stories, the next drive life coaching, and then after that I’m listening to a physicist talk about wormholes and trapdoors of the universe.

It hit me earlier in the week that there is a theme to everything I’m learning regardless of the topic or genre of the story. I’ve started pointing them out below and expect to discuss these further within the post as time goes on and I learn more.

We are primal beings and it affects everything about us. From how we feel, the way we react to things, how our brain processes information, what foods our body needs in order to run properly.  Everything about us comes back to this point. If you want to know the answer to a problem, you should probably start with the understanding that we are animals when we go right down to our DNA and our first and only reaction is to survive until the next day. While I will have a list following this item, I understand they should all really be subcategories of this idea, because everything starts here.

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Our brain has these super highways, neural pathways, and throughout out lives our thoughts have reinforced these super highways and they provide us with the basis of our thoughts and beliefs. The reason so many of us are traumatized from our youth, and can’t seem to ever get beyond some of the thought processes we created, is because during puberty all those wonderful hormones that are running through our bodies actually went to work on those highways and laid down concrete, put some sealer down, and really seared these pathways into who we are today. So if we were broken and traumatized during this time in our lives, our pathways are broken too. Personally, I’m assuming this too would go back to being a primal being, we were likely designed this way so that we learned lessons of survival in a time when a tiger could have ate everyone in your tribe, but if you happened to survive, you would remember your teachings. Remember, our entire purpose on this earth is to life the next day.

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We can retrain our brains to have new thought patterns, but it isn’t easy. We will never have that level of hormones in our body again to make those super pathways concrete, but there are exercises we can do to help reinforce new, healthier ways of thinking and living.

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I’ll just get out here and say this now, I think that when everything is said and done and when all our healthcare problems are solved and scientists are no longer backed by the companies that are killing us (shit food, diet industry), we are going to learn that the real key to health is eating a primal diet. I know I’ve had success in the past, but I haven’t ate this way for years. After everything has clicked with me about this whole primal thing, there is something to it beyond just seeing great results on the scale and in the gym. Our bodies and minds are only as good as the food we are putting in our mouths. We are designed to eat meat, veggies, nuts, a little bit of fruit when it’s in season.  It’s as simple as that.

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Any person I have listened to that is living their dream and making money, writing books, influencing people, is happy, satisfied, fulfilled…they got to this place because they had a passion and they were living life, honoring this passion and that caught the eye of someone or something and it grew into the successes they have today. This is true to every expert I’ve listened to talk. From the founder or AOL working in his basement with a few developers bringing the internet to every household in a time when no one knew what the heck the internet was, to the life coach influencing millions of students, it all came down to passion.  The found something they loved, the did it, and it eventually opened doors that gave them an authentic life.

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This is really a continuation of the above, but it’s so big it needs it’s own point. We have been taught things backward when it comes to making money in our careers. We shouldn’t be working hard to make money, we should be working hard living our passions, and the money will come as a result of the life you are living. It isn’t hard to think of an example, we’ve seen it all over the place with the internet with any blogger that ever made it big. They were just being themselves, living their passions through things like house renovations, sharing recipes, decorating. They were doing the things the loved and the money came. First through advertisers, then through sponsors, then writing books and now everyone has a podcast.  Life is organic and it grows through organic means.

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In order to change yourself, you need to stop listening to your brain. It’s hardwired for survival and nothing more. Plus your brain got you to where you are right now, so it’s highly likely that you need to take a step away from the things your brain is telling you and rely a little bit more on experts in the field of changing lives. Talking to friends you trust and really listening to their advise. If something seems a little foreign to you, and against everything your brain believes to be true, it’s probably the right thing to do. Living inside our brains is really the worst thing we can do if we want to change our lives and the way we see ourselves and the world.

This post is going to be a living and growing item on my blog from now on. There is just too much here to hit in one morning session of writing my thoughts. I want to link to the podcasts that reinforce each topic I’m hitting on above so that if anyone reading wants to explore the topics deeper, they have a resource to start. Let’s also make it clear, I’m not a scientist or a therapist and over time my opinions may change as I learn more. These are just a reflection of what I’ve been noticing as I’m diving in and trying to change my world.

Being Authentic

Had a bit of a rough start to the week yesterday. Didn’t wake up on time to come down to write. Alarms got jacked up from the weekend, I napped a bit too much on Sunday which caused for a restless night when I did sleep. Yesterday was better, but I dragged butt hard. I’m honestly considering sticking to my morning routine for the weekends considering how awful I felt by Sunday night.

Rob’s parathyroid surgery went well. He’s still in the hospital, I should get the call to pick him up today. His spirits are good too. It’s amazing to go into the hospital for a routine(ish) procedure vs. going in because you are deathly ill or fighting some kind of crazy infection. He’s up, dressed, walking around. On Sunday we even took him down to the cafeteria for dinner.

It’s always nice when he is down this way, it breaks up the loneliness that comes with being a single mom. We’ve both changed, are more humble from having had our asses kicking from the world. We are not as quick to fight and we can laugh at ourselves so much more than we could have before. The love between us is real. We just suck as a couple. And let’s be honest, I’m not the easiest person to live with, just ask my daughter.

I purchased a brand new washer and dryer and it was delivered yesterday. The delivery man was a douche bag. Didn’t make anything easy and declared within two seconds that the installation I paid upfront for didn’t include what I needed done. That on it’s own was all well and good, but he took the cap off my gas line, didn’t admit to it, and tried to tell me I had a gas leak. I knew better, but I was still nervous. I’ve got a plumber coming out later in the week to hook everything up, but I have to admit that I’m a little sad. I’ve been waiting a year for these bad boys. The weekly trips to the laundromat have been brutal.

I have a messenger group chat called, Family Talk, and it’s my brother, SIL, me, and my mom. Over the past nine months it doesn’t get used as much as it had in the past, since things are insane with my mom and her living situation and my status with the family. I had asked my mom some advise about gas vs electric dryer when I was making my final selection on the appliances. So I had popped in there to say, “Hey! My washer and dryer are coming today!!!!”

Later in the day my mom checked in to see how thing went and of course they didn’t go well. I was bummed, but I refused to get upset about it. It was really interesting to sit from that perspective and watch the conversation. I feel like my mom wanted to work my emotions a bit and I just stood firm and positive about how this was just a bump and it should diminish the fact that I had a brand new washer and dryer in my basement and that is amazing.

I’m done getting upset about the small stuff.  Hell, I’m done getting upset about the big stuff too. The only thing I am in control of is my perspective to the situation. Since I’ve put this into action in my life I can really tell the difference. It’s hard at times and I’m not perfect, but I’ve gotten a lot better. I even found that I don’t talk as much. I do a lot more observing. I believe that when you are more authentic with your word, you have a lot less to say.

Not really related to this, but it has reminded me of one of my infamous podcast sessions. The topic was about what would be the difference between your current job and your dream job. Her feeling was nothing. We are still the same person in either job. She says, it’s not our jobs job to make you happy. It’s our job to make us happy. Being more authentic with my word has really made me more happy.

You can listen to that podcast episode here.

Well I need to get my butt in gear a bit. I have three kid being dropped off at my house in the mornings starting today. They do school of choice and one of the siblings is a friend of Erin’s. Something happened where they were being dropped off before at the aunt and uncles house and it is no longer available so their mom asked if I could take them to school in the morning. You know me, I’m always willing to help out as long as the situation remains positive, so we are going to give it a try.  Erin on the other hand is very skeptical of the situation. She very much enjoys her routine and doesn’t want any interruption of it. It will likely be good for her to have a few people in her mix.