Being Authentic

Had a bit of a rough start to the week yesterday. Didn’t wake up on time to come down to write. Alarms got jacked up from the weekend, I napped a bit too much on Sunday which caused for a restless night when I did sleep. Yesterday was better, but I dragged butt hard. I’m honestly considering sticking to my morning routine for the weekends considering how awful I felt by Sunday night.

Rob’s parathyroid surgery went well. He’s still in the hospital, I should get the call to pick him up today. His spirits are good too. It’s amazing to go into the hospital for a routine(ish) procedure vs. going in because you are deathly ill or fighting some kind of crazy infection. He’s up, dressed, walking around. On Sunday we even took him down to the cafeteria for dinner.

It’s always nice when he is down this way, it breaks up the loneliness that comes with being a single mom. We’ve both changed, are more humble from having had our asses kicking from the world. We are not as quick to fight and we can laugh at ourselves so much more than we could have before. The love between us is real. We just suck as a couple. And let’s be honest, I’m not the easiest person to live with, just ask my daughter.

I purchased a brand new washer and dryer and it was delivered yesterday. The delivery man was a douche bag. Didn’t make anything easy and declared within two seconds that the installation I paid upfront for didn’t include what I needed done. That on it’s own was all well and good, but he took the cap off my gas line, didn’t admit to it, and tried to tell me I had a gas leak. I knew better, but I was still nervous. I’ve got a plumber coming out later in the week to hook everything up, but I have to admit that I’m a little sad. I’ve been waiting a year for these bad boys. The weekly trips to the laundromat have been brutal.

I have a messenger group chat called, Family Talk, and it’s my brother, SIL, me, and my mom. Over the past nine months it doesn’t get used as much as it had in the past, since things are insane with my mom and her living situation and my status with the family. I had asked my mom some advise about gas vs electric dryer when I was making my final selection on the appliances. So I had popped in there to say, “Hey! My washer and dryer are coming today!!!!”

Later in the day my mom checked in to see how thing went and of course they didn’t go well. I was bummed, but I refused to get upset about it. It was really interesting to sit from that perspective and watch the conversation. I feel like my mom wanted to work my emotions a bit and I just stood firm and positive about how this was just a bump and it should diminish the fact that I had a brand new washer and dryer in my basement and that is amazing.

I’m done getting upset about the small stuff.  Hell, I’m done getting upset about the big stuff too. The only thing I am in control of is my perspective to the situation. Since I’ve put this into action in my life I can really tell the difference. It’s hard at times and I’m not perfect, but I’ve gotten a lot better. I even found that I don’t talk as much. I do a lot more observing. I believe that when you are more authentic with your word, you have a lot less to say.

Not really related to this, but it has reminded me of one of my infamous podcast sessions. The topic was about what would be the difference between your current job and your dream job. Her feeling was nothing. We are still the same person in either job. She says, it’s not our jobs job to make you happy. It’s our job to make us happy. Being more authentic with my word has really made me more happy.

You can listen to that podcast episode here.

Well I need to get my butt in gear a bit. I have three kid being dropped off at my house in the mornings starting today. They do school of choice and one of the siblings is a friend of Erin’s. Something happened where they were being dropped off before at the aunt and uncles house and it is no longer available so their mom asked if I could take them to school in the morning. You know me, I’m always willing to help out as long as the situation remains positive, so we are going to give it a try.  Erin on the other hand is very skeptical of the situation. She very much enjoys her routine and doesn’t want any interruption of it. It will likely be good for her to have a few people in her mix.

Advertisements

My Morning Routine – Bulletproof Coffee

I need to lightening things up a bit today. Yesterday, wow, so heavy. Good stuff though.

As part of my waking up early process I have also committed to a regimen that goes back to my CrossFit days. Not sure if you ever heard about Bulletproof Coffee, but follow the link and you can read all about it and the recipe.

What is it?  It is one cup of french pressed coffee, blended for 20-30 seconds with a tablespoon of pure butter and a 1tsp of MTC oil (which is a highly concentrated coconut oil).

Here is what my counter looks like before I start writing in the morning:

img_5988.jpg

Some claim that the benefits of this coffee are massive. From appetite suppression, to giving the brain fuel to achieve mental clarity. The fat in the drink slows down the absorption of  the caffeine and that is what helps make you feel full longer. It also give long lasting energy without the highs and lows you would normally get with your typically morning cup of coffee.

img_5990.jpg

I make mine with Kerrygold butter, which I think most people use. In the upper left of the picture is the MTC oil, however, since I’ve last used it they have rebranded it to be called Brain Octane Oil.  Whatever works I guess.

IMG_5991.jpg

Here it is in my bullet, mixing into a rich, creamy, smooth latte.

IMG_5995.jpg

And the finished product.

This is what I’m sipping on each morning when I come in to write.

Today was the first morning that I really dragged ass a bit getting up. I was tossing and turning all night. Only got about 5 hours on the CPAP before I ripped the mask off my face. I honestly haven’t slept sound since I’ve started this waking up early exercise.

If you remember, I started getting up when I did because I was waking up before my alarm was going off and then falling back asleep, into the deepest sleep ever, just as my alarm was going off. That was creating nightmare mornings that were rushed before I kept hitting the snooze button until it was almost too late to get out the door.

I’m confident that things will work themselves out as I continue to stick with the plan.

Tangent Alert:  Now I have Big Sean going through my head. I loved his last album, specifically the song Voices in My Head / Stick to the Plan.

Here are the lyrics. 

I don’t know why, but I wasn’t able to find an official video for the song, but here is a search link for youtube that will take you to some live stuff.

Well, I guess it’s time to get moving. Another day is waiting for me to kick some ass. Enjoy your Wednesday, we’ve made it halfway through. And if you have Friday off, like I do, it’s even further into the week than that!

Peace!

What Does Happiness Look Like To Me?

Back to the exercises of yesterday, what does happiness look like to me?

This is inspired by The Life Coach, Episode Three

Starting my list from a place of abundance, what I already have, and then diving into what I’m striving for in the future. My list:

  1. Have a beautiful daughter that completes me in every single way possible.
  2. Build a career that I’m proud of.
  3. Make enough money to comfortably provide for my family.
  4. Have health insurance that covers my family in case of emergency and/or sickness.
  5. Have life insurance to protect my daughter in case anything ever happened to me.
  6. Drive a dependable car that keeps my family safe and comfortable.
  7. Live in a home that is affordable, yet also has the space I need to house my possessions comfortably.
  8. Live a life free from debt.
  9. Have enough money saved for retirement.
  10. Save enough money to purchase a ranch home where I can grow old.
  11. To fill the perimeter of that home with a beautiful flower garden.
  12. To join a community of people that is centered around fitness, health and well being like I had when I was in CrossFit.
  13. Get to a place with my weight where I can have my knees replaced.
  14. Have surgery to remove my excess skin and a breast reduction.
  15. Have a home where friends and family gather to laugh, cry, eat good food and feel safe. I want to be surrounded by people I love.
  16. Purge my possession until I have just enough.
  17. Finish my education / never stop learning.
  18. Work for myself in a profession where I am able to support and change lives, yet make enough money to provide for my needs.
  19. To always have enough.
  20. Ability to travel to places I’ve only seen in pictures.

What about you?  Can you take a half hour out of your day to listen to the linked podcast? If you can and you feel like posting your list eventually, link to it in the comments. Or just write your list in the comments.

I love the idea of starting the list with what we already have. I think that it is an amazing place to start because it honors what we already have.

Responsibility

Well I’m up again early. Showered. Face lathered in cream in hopes of nourishing the lines that appear faster and faster these days. And I’m here, writing, two days in a row.

As I sit down to type I have no idea what I want to unload this morning so it will be interesting to see where this post goes.

I mentioned in an early post that I have been listening to a lot of podcasts. I even linked to one or two. Yesterdays podcast journey delivered me to one that really resonated with me, yet it didn’t say anything more than what the hundreds of others I’ve listened to before. Yet I feel it’s intensity in my soul yet today.

We are personally responsible for our lives. 

At the end of the day, no matter what our background story is or how good or bad we’ve had it in life. I am in control of the person I am ever single second of the day. I think of all the years I wasted in my ‘story’, wallowing because I wasn’t loved the way I should have been. That I wasn’t supported to thrive. That my family relationships were all based on conditions that I behave a certain way. That I had no money.

I allowed people to treat me bad. I didn’t set boundaries with anyone. I thought if I just gave and gave of myself, finally someone would love me the way I deserved to be loved.

In the end I gave of myself until there was literally nothing left to give. I lost my voice. My health declined. I wasn’t the best mom I could be. I lost control of the finances.

The best thing that ever happened to me, and as hard as that time in my life was, and as scared as it made me, getting sick changed my life. I saw death and I knew I didn’t want anything to do with it. I saw how stupid I was acting. I saw crystal clear that I was the one stopping myself from having the life I wanted.

Since I’ve been setting boundaries in my life interesting things have started to happen. People have left, my parents. Others have stepped up and have (mostly) respected the lines I’ve drawn, Rob. My work parameters are changing because I stood up and said I couldn’t run myself into the ground and longer. In response, two of the brokers I support have been removed from my desk.  This will allow me to truly build a strong relationship with the team of brokers I’m left with. My most challenging relationship, my daughter, is actually improving too.

If someone is talking to you in a way that angers you or makes you feel bad, you need to open your mouth tactfully and express what isn’t working for you. If your husband isn’t respecting something that is creating a burning sensation of rage in the pit of your stomach, then you need to tell him. If someone doesn’t value you, regardless of how close they are to you, parent, child, sister, brother, then they need to be removed from your life, no matter how hard that decision will be to make.

For generations we have been taught to abide. To silence our needs. To fix. And as maternal beings we have been looked at as an endless well of nurturing. I know loving someone makes me feel amazing, but it just can’t be done on a one way street. We can’t be taken from until we are depleted with nothing left to give ourselves. We need to protect ourselves so that we can continue to keep giving to those that we love.

It took me 43 years to figure this shit out and I’m sure it will take me another 43 years to perfect how to reprogram myself to love myself enough to keep a little inside for me. I was born and bread to be a wife. From my earliest memories I was taught to serve men. From waiting on them as they barked orders to me, to cleaning up their messes. I was taught that I needed to have straight teeth, long hair, and an attractive body because that was the key to my hooking a husband that would provide for me. My value in my family is based only in how much I weigh. How fitting is it that one of the last things I heard my father say was to my brother, “look at her, no man would ever want to be with her.” And that wasn’t 20 years ago, that was in the past six months.

It hurt for a long time afterward. I processed it over and over and read about men that feel this way about women because it hurt so bad and I needed to understand it. After I made peace with it I am left with this, I’m so happy to be me on my terms. Big and fat with a gap in my teeth, living life on my terms. This is so much better than having a man, providing for me under the terms that I kept those conditions met. When I do eventually lose weight it will be on my terms. Not on the pressures that have been put on me.

This is my demon. I’m sure you have yours. Hell, this is just one, I have plenty. Regardless what yours is we need to remember that we are the ones in control of everything. Set boundaries, live them, and you will be surprised how others act when you demand that they respect them.

Happy Tuesday.

Below are a few links on where you will find me at these days:

What I’m listening to:

The Life Coach School podcastEpisode One

 

What I’m reading:

The Art of Extreme Self Care, by Cheryl Richardson

Honoring Your True Self

I’m up early and it’s Sunday. The sun is shining pretty bright and I have a feeling it is nice outside. I can’t remember the last time I was up early on a Sunday. Sunday’s are typically the only day that I have to just sleep in. I feel like I’ve been sleep deprived for a very long time and Sunday just wraps me up in a nice warm blanket and says, “stay, sleep, let the world pass you by”. And like a good listener of the world I say, “thank you very much, I will do that!”

What’s new?

I’ve been purposely walking for exercise for six weeks now. My goal was to make it a full six weeks and to then evaluate how I felt, where I had come from and where I want to go. I’d say being up, feeling good and ready to take on the world so early means that my body is actually healing, even if the scale tells me I’m still larger than life. The funny thing is that I don’t even care about that damn thing anymore.

Over the past couple months years, I’ve been striving to meet certain personal goals. I have been told I have been too hard on myself at times, suggested by others that these goals didn’t really matter and they surly didn’t define me, but I keep trying to fill this empty void that is inside me. When you know with all your heart that you are someone different and then everyday you wake up and you’re not this person you are meant to be, life gets hard. It causes us to make bad decisions, stay in relationships that aren’t healthy, and making it so very easy to neglect ourselves.

Do you ever feel like you are not honoring your true self?

So over the past few weeks I have been doing just that, honoring my true self. Taking care of my body. Organizing the things in my life. Looking internally and listening to my voice, finding out just who Catherine really is. I’m don’t know much yet, but I do fully understand that I am ready to break free of the bullshit. This I know for sure!

What’s next?

So I’m taking on another step tomorrow and I’m going to be focusing on the next six weeks. Since I feel my walking is now a habit and my body is used to the idea of moving again, I’m going to focus on my food. Much the same way that I just worked on the exercise, one day at a time. Evaluating my likes / dislikes, finding what foods make me feel better and which ones make me feel like crap, taking the time out to actually pack healthy things for myself so that I am prepared all day long. For me, it’s all about taking small steps to eventually get to some larger goals met.

I took this picture below my first day out walking. I was so weak from being sick earlier this year that I was unable to walk much faster than a snail. I kept at it, taking one step at a time and now I’m here today much stronger than I was before. I’m not perfect, but I am very much whole.

sidewalk